I came out.
When I say that coming out is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life I mean it. It took me years to accept who I truly was and now 4 years down the line I actually told my parents. In some way I feel like a huge weight has been taken away from my shoulders because it has. I feel free. I was living a lie at home for too long. I wasn’t myself. I was in the dark, miserable, point depressed most of the time, I always came home either angry, or sad, I shoved it all into a dark corner and let it take over me, and my personality at home. I was never myself.
Until my parents had enough. I think they must have suspected a few times, or they were in some sort of denial I dont know, but they knew something was tearing me up inside. So this is how it started. They woke me up and took my phone away. Me being me got into this frustration and started shouting and all that because well we’ve been having a few other problems before and this just made me break down. They wanted to have this ‘family meeting’. I just wanted my phone back. So I sat down and let them lecture me about how much of a bad daughter I am, how much I’ve changed, how I’m no their little girl anymore, how I can have so much anger inside me, how I’m useless and not capable of any love. Yes very nice. I’ve heard it all before in my life and it’s just gotten to the point where anything they tell me will go to one ear and out the other, especially today since last night we got into another fight my mom scratched my neck and I’ll probably have a scar now, a long one only because I told her I was thinking of quitting my job because I’m literally miserable in it. I hate it.
But that’s another story. Another story which I really don’t want to get into. Well after the 2 hour lecture and me just nodding my head, they got frustrated too. They knew I wasn’t just unhappy because of work. It was much more personal. They could tell because I just wanted my phone back and they were trying to get into it to see my messages and that. So I broke down. Then my parents were literally screaming at me to tell them what was wrong with me, they didn’t let me leave the house, they made me sit down for hours just to hear them ramble on and hurting me with fucking words.
These were the words from my dad ”We can’t love you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong with you, until we know the real you”. They kept asking me all these things like, If I was in love with a married person, If I was taking drugs, If I was pregnant, If someone is threatening me etc. All my replies were No. No . NO and nO. Obviously because the things they were asking were ridiculous. Jfc. It got to the point when they got to the Are you lesbian question. I said No. But I started to cry. and Thats when they carried on. Literally in my face saying hurtful shit, I couldn’t even look at them, I was crying like never before. Until they continued for another hour, ’ Whats wrong with you, What are you trying to hide, Why won’t you open up to us’ etc. They didnt let me leave.
It got to the point where I completely broke down. It’s never happened before that bad. I just broke. It took me hours for me to spit it out. To actually have the courage to say it to them, because after years of them telling me that if their daughter or son were gay they would kick them out, that they would rather their daughter or son be drug addicts, pregnant rather than gay, or that gay people should all be swept away into an island to starve. I was scared. Not even scared. Literally petrified, this is why It’s taken me this long, why I had to lie all the time, I just couldn’t But I did. I faced them back and literally screamed ” I JUST CAN’T BE WITH A GUY OKAY?” It all came out. I was pushed to the edge by them and it happened. The room literally went silent. My dad threw the phone at me and got up and left. I started to cry, and just ran to my room . Everything just went deadly quiet. I honestly expected to be kicked out but everyone was silent. Until both my parents came in my room, and they let me explain. and I did.
My dad couldnt take it so he left the room. It was me and my mom. This is where I told her. She kept on asking me If I’m sure, and all these wayyyy personal questions, like if I had ever been with a girl, who they were and that maybe I’m just confused. I lost count how many times she asked if I was sure. But I told her straight. This is what I said.
” I love girls, I’m not going to change my mind today, tomorrow, next week, or in five years, I’m gay. I can’t be with a guy and I don’t see myself being with one in the future. I just can’t. It’s not who I am. I’ve known this for years now and I’m sorry I’ve kept it this long but I’ve been scared. I’ve tried to fight this, keep it locked inside every day, fight the feeling, but I just can’t. I have to be me now. I love girls, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”
It’s something I’m not ever going to forget. That look she gave me of disappointment. She told me, That I was her daughter and she’ll have to accept it eventually, but she’s disappointed. She also regrets now that my dad had that operation to not have anymore kids. That hurt. That hurt more than anything to hear because It just makes me feel like the disappointment of the family again. I suppose it could be worse. But she says to give both my dad and her time to accept it. My dad more. He’s not speaking to me, or even looks at me anymore. My mom ended it with apologising for what she had done to my neck and hugged me, saying she hopes that me telling them would make me happier. I hugged her back for the first time in months. It’s not all rainbows and happy endings but I expected worse, much worse, at least she’s learning to accept me, even if she does hate the fact that this can ruin their ” reputation” and she thinks that I’m never going to have kids. But she did say I was her daughter after all, and she’ll support me whoever Iam. As for my dad. Well I don’t know. and my little brother, he made me smile, he’s 8 years old and he hugged me saying he’ll love me no matter what. That made me happy.
I guess, I feel better now. Like I can be myself now, there’s nothing else to hide. I’ve still got a long way to go, but the worse is over, I actually told them, something I thought I’d literally wouldnt do. Coming out is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and the scariest, seriously. But I’m happy I did. I guess I can say that I’m proud of myself, I’m going to be fine. For now, I’ll believe it’ll get better. I’ll take each day as it comes slowly, and be myself. Proudly so. :)
Also. Thank you for all your amazing messages and replies and all that <3 Seriously guys. You made me smile like a dumbass. Thank you. Your support means the world to me.